Carnival of Pandemonium

 Dear Zero I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just generally miserable.  From Martin 

 Welcome to my alternative top flight football season by the name of Elite Financial Super Soccer League sponsored by lineyourpockets.com.  To be honest it’s an attempt to find the fairest club in the top flight from this coming 2022/23 season.  Every game will be decided not on the pitch on a Saturday (or Friday or Sunday or Monday) but by metrics like net spend, cheapest matchday tickets, whether they wished to join the scab European super league or not… etc. Best fit model wins the 3 points.  Here are the teams-  Cockney Cannons Big Ron’s Clarets Retirement Village Cherries Griffin Community Bees South Coast Sailors  West London Oligarchs  Simon Jordan Eagles  Kenwright Toffees Thames Gold Diggers  Yorkshire Toughs  Lineker’s Filberts  Giz a Job FC  Sportswashing Blues  Salford Devils  Sportswashing Magpies  Robin Hood Cloughs  Port Town Saints  London Cocks  Stratford Porn Kings  Robert Plant’s Orangemen 

 Dear Zero Let me tell you about my clothes- more specifically my new clothing idea, or regimen, as clever people would say. It’s a very simple idea really and to be honest, I can’t claim the credit for it as it is already in existence- I’m just proposing to change the situation!  My simple idea for clothing is… uniform. Yes I know this has and is currently being done already, but I’m changing the situation from a work based thing, to a spare time sort of thing.  I don’t mean everyone should wear the same clothing. No. This would be like communist China or North Korea. People should have the freedom to express themselves. I mean just a uniform for me. Then I know exactly what I’m wearing everyday. It’s one less thing to think about.  I was thinking maybe I could wear black t shirt, black trousers and white trainers. I saw a musician doing this exact outfit last week and it worked. I knew instantly this was the uniform for me.  Regards Martin 

 Blondson hung up the phone and sighed. He'd cancelled the party poppers. He slugged some Blue Nun. Straight from the bottle. Then poured the remnants over his head. Karen was watching. This wasn't the time.   "I wanted my party. I wanted Chequers. I wanted it to be called Checkmate. Everyone was coming as chess pieces". She flounced off mumbling words like 'solicitors' and 'I'm going to mummy's'.  Blondson shook his head. Time for a shit. The bog groaned under his weight. His tumultuous gut billowing over the edge of the seat. Trousers soaking up piss from the tiled floor where he'd missed.  Was this the end? Stabbed in the back like Caesar. Ricki Sundeck, Dom Saab, Penny Maudlin, Nathan Swahili- the list was endless. Even that ape Jonny Gullet. All vying for Big Dog.  Maybe it was time to launch a leadership push?

 Inside Sir Stammer's office, Angela Rainman poured her usual. Cool Smirnoff Ice with a Tizer chaser. Sir Stammer and Rainman clinked glasses, Smirnoff Ice plopping on to the parliamentary carpet. Might have stained it.  "Well... fuck knows how we got away with that", she mused, slurping back the mixture.  "Beergate? What Beergate!?", laughed Sir Stammer knowingly, tapping his Jamil Fox It4U badge while his long lizard's tongue tapped a pile of brown envelopes. "These are more powerful than video". He reached into his locked desk drawer, grabbed a tin and gobbed its contents onto atop his head, slathering his hair sidewards whilst adjusting his glasses. A prezzie from the late Deirdre Barlow.  "So what do we do now, Sir Stammer... or dare I say... Prime Minister?" Rainman leered her own lizard's tongue caressing his leathery cheek, her hoof pressing against his leg.  "Don't! Don't jinx it! Call me... Future... Future Worl

 Kat Burnley stood in Downing Street- centre stage, pride of place. She's been there since midnight. Pawing down her hair, she was camera ready, Spy TV badge gleaming after a fresh splash of pledge. Her predatory eyeballs focused in on the black door ahead- also pledged- fangs extending by the second. Her mouth and fists still stank of whiskers despite the hubba bubba. The door opened. Someone threw Larry out. Burnley hissed something inaudible and scratched her clipboard. Out came her handbag. Gucci. Tenner in Ibiza. Thrifty. She examined her fangs in the compact. Sharp. Ready. Soon enough a blonde man was thrown to the baying, waiting wolves. His fingers were in his mouth. His whole fist was in there. Cameras clicked. The crowd surged forward. Kat snarled, "World king? World king?" Wallace Blondson ignored her. It was his moment. The lecturn was still shiny. Pledge. A crowd stood behind Wallace, their hands stuffed with tenners, clapping wildly. Some could even cry on d

 As I went out to drop something in the big black bin this morning, to my chagrin I saw that a black dog dirt bag had fluttered onto my front garden. Pretty annoying. I thought at first that it might be populated with an Alsatian sized steaming dog muck created in association with winalot.  Thankfully on closer inspection, the dog turd bag was empty and I gleefully disposed of it into my welcoming big black bin. Another job done.  Talking of dog muck, Boris Johnson finally resigned as British Prime minister today. However he is staying on until a new leader is found. He didn’t give a time table for that. 7865 of his government MPs resigned. I think only nadine dorries and Jacob Reece mogg remained loyal. 

ZX Spectrum 128k R Tape Loading Error The amount of times my 8 year old self was haunted by the message 'R Tape Loading Error' is actually criminal. The ZX Spectrum 128k tape loader was my very first computer- and maybe due to its primitive nature, the reliability was a little, let's say... off. My parents bought it when I was approximately aged 3, however why I would use it at this age is completely beyond me. Apparently I used to pull it out from the behind the sofa, plug it into the mains, plug the adapter into the TV set and at least get the blurry start up screen on. I have written about the ZX Spectrum before and my love hate relationship with it before.  You can read that article here  at least it shows I actually have abiding memories on the topic.  Watch a real R Tape Loading Error ZX Spectrum 128k tape loader breakage worries My main fear with the ZX Spectrum 128k, obviously after I was three years old ( I have a three year old currently and even though he is clev

 Rupert didn't want to go swimming today. This was a little odd as he usually loves it. He got in and started crying straight away. I had a feeling before we even set off that this would happen as he didn't eat his breakfast either. We decided straight away to take him home. I think this was the right decision as I personally think forcing a child to do something when they don't want to (within reason) is a bad course of action. Anyway, we went home and he was a little off all day, not ill, just a bit off or maybe tired. I'm glad we didn't force him. Obviously I think differently over school as that is something they must do whether they like it or not and it is the teacher's responsibility to make school as fun as it can be.  Ben Stokes' new England brand of play- basically being overly aggressive- has taken a hit. India finished on about 410 all out. Jasprit Bumrah of all people took Stuart Broad for 35 off one over- a new test record. England in response,

 I keep titling these writings as 'a tiring day' which most of them are. I am absolutely exhausted and I just don't know how I will make it to the end of term. But I will- I will. Just take one day at a time like I normally do. Behaviour is getting alot more challenging to manage as the days go on. I want to change things up a bit but an still wary of covering all of the stuff that needs doing.   No walk for me tonight. I read my current book- Boy in the Tower by Polly Ho-Yen. It is a really interesting story about a boy battling several things as the book progresses. His mum seemingly is in the throws of a debilitating bout of depression and buildings all around his are falling to the ground, literally falling, and nobody can explain why. I've read alot of young persons' fiction recently. I enjoy reading them to be honest and I can use the books for reading next year too so it's a win win.  Summer seems to have been and gone- as the dourer of British people wil